#and it really makes it hard to remain optimistic that maybe one day i wont be like this. all this to say i think its time for grim acceptan

[alphalesbian]

.

[starry-knight-skies]

Title: Meant To Be Yours Summary: From the moment they met, Logan knew he and Virgil were meant to be together. There was just something about him that called to his soul, that drew him in like a moth to a flame, and Logan did not have the will to resist. He could see their future together and nothing was going to keep them apart, he wont’ let it. Virgil doesn’t have a choice. Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 (sorry this took so long, future chapters won’t have as long of a wait) Virgil was by no means, a morning person. He hated how early he had to get up if he wanted to use the bathroom before Remy got in the shower. He hated the sounds of birds right outside his window and while he hated eating right after waking up, he did choke down some toast and a cup of juice before grabbing his bag and heading out the door. It was too early to get a ride from his brother and his happy, upbeat music that he liked to blast in his jeep. Remy would go pick up Patton, and Virgil didn’t want to get worn out from their bantering so early.

He didn’t mind walking to school, when the weather was nice. It helped to wake him up, and he got to listen to his own music. Some days, Roman would happen to swing by and give him a lift… as a friend. A friendly lift. Between friends. And okay, maybe he liked starting his day seeing Roman smile at him before he had to interact with the other students. Can you really blame him? Roman was… He quickly shook his head. It didn’t matter. He wasn’t here right now, and if he let himself get lost in his thoughts, he was going to be late to school.

The halls were crowded when he stepped into the school building, and he hunched his shoulders up as he made his way to his locker. He could hear a headache forming as he heard someone screaming down the hallway and he sighed, not understanding how someone has so much energy so early. Patton was highly energetic, but he’s never been one to scream randomly like some people.

“I saw you hanging out with Logan yesterday.” Patton spoke up as Virgil opened his locker, leaning against the one next to it. “What’s he like?”

Virgil raised an eyebrow at him, huffing softly in amusement as Remy stepped up to shoo Patton out of the way. “He’s alright I guess. Kind of quiet, keeps to himself mostly. But we actually have a lot in common, which will make this year go a lot smoother than anticipated.”

“So he’s not a stuck up asshole?” Remy asked, sliding his sunglasses into his bag and pulling out some textbooks.

Patton frowned slightly at him, crossing his arms. “Hey now, let’s not be mean. He’s always been nice and kind when we’ve spoken. Just because he’s a little standoff-ish doesn’t make him an asshole.” 

It was no real secret that Patton has had a crush on Logan for the last two years, and Virgil honestly felt a little bad. Logan seemed pretty oblivious to the flirting, but Patton remained optimistic. He’s said on many occasions he’d be happy even if nothing happens between them as long as they could one day be friends. A sentiment Virgil knew that Remy shared in regards to Patton, and he kind of felt bad for his brother… not that he’d ever admit it out loud.

Remy just grumbled under his breath, turning back to his locker, and Patton turned to smile hopefully at Virgil. “So since you and Logan are going to be working together, do you think he’ll want to join us for lunch?”

Virgil shrugged, shutting his locker and shoving his books in his bag. “I mean, I could ask him.” Logan always seemed to like eating on his own, away from everyone else, but it couldn’t hurt to ask if he’d want to join them. The worst case, he says no… and he goes to their teacher and requests a different partner and spends the rest of the year making snide, hateful comments towards him… No, no no no. He needed to stop that spiral immediately.

“If Logan’s going to be joining us, does that mean Roman will too?” Remy asked, shutting his own locker. “He’s partnered with you Patton, right?”

Patton perked up, eyes nearly sparkling. “Ooh! That’s a good idea! I’ll ask him!” His grin turned sly as he turned to face Virgil. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you Virge?”

Virgil felt his cheeks heat up slightly.  “He can sit with us if he wants.”

“So you don’t want Roman to sit with us?” Remy asked, a teasing tone to his voice. “I would think you’d want to, what with your crush on him and all.” 

Yep, Virgil’s cheeks were definitely burning by now. “I don’t have a crush on Roman.” Sure he thought he was pretty… and smart and nice and kind. So what if he likes spending time with him? That didn’t mean he had a crush on him!

Patton and Remy exchanged an amused look. “So do you want him to sit with us or not?” Patton asked, biting his lip to keep from grinning too hard.

Virgil huffed. “Like I said, he can do what he wants.” 

“We could just ask him right now, you know.” Remy very pointedly looked behind his brother.

Virgil tensed up, spinning around with a hand flying to his hair to straighten it out, before letting it drop when he saw no one there. He turned back to glare at his brother, frowning at the grin on his face. “Ha ha, very funny.”

Patton and Remy burst out laughing, Patton leaning slightly against Remy’s shoulder, causing him to flush slightly. Virgil gave him a very pointed look, which got him a warning look in return. Remy shrugged out from under Patton, taking a step back from the group. “Roman’s in my homeroom, I’ll ask him if he wants to join us then, okay?”

“Okay!” Patton bounced slightly enthusiastically, giving Remy a big smile, which he returned albeit softer. He stepped up to Virgil, hooking their arms together as they made their way to their homeroom, a bounce in his step. This was great! He’d get to spend more time with Logan, and he could encourage Virgil to act on his crush on Roman! Everybody is happy, everybody wins!

--

Taglist: @viana-dascolli @kaykayblogs @fanatic-kay @space-captain-lars @crowsmadreadful @mostcertainlynotcis @roman-deserves-love @emmillie @sanders-sides-stuffs @probablysomeproblems @wistful-wish @emeraldmelody @fanderrawr @samuel-the-gay @nerdycupcake559 @escalatingtoofast @potentially-a-human @wolfie979 @sanders-sides-uncorrect-quotes @hissingvirgil @supersoftsupersleep @canelazombie

[itachi-uchiha-deserved-better]

Gai strained against the rubble in the doorway trying against all odds to hope that the house he was about to search hadn't become yet another tomb in the destroyed remains of Konoha. It was getting hard, even for someone as optimistic as him, to continue to expect more survivors to emerge from wherever they had been trapped. It had a little over a week since the fight against pein had destroyed the village, but there was still so much if it to search and not neatly enough extra hands to search it all fast enough.

Gai had been pulling triple shifts on the search parties to try and pick up some of the extra weight on the search teams shoulders, but Kakashi had threatened to have Gai forcibly sent to the makeshift hospital if he didnt give himself some time to rest. So now he was down to double shifts and he refused to stop until they were sure all of Konoha had been cleared.

He hoped to find living people, some injured, some just scared and hungry from days trapped in collapsed buildings.

He expected to find bodies. Even with Pein's reanimation, people who had come back to life half crushed wouldn't survive long and without water more people would die alone in the dark.

What he didnt expect was the thing he found when the large chunk of rock that was blocking the entrance to the house finally gave.

Or rather the person he found.

Sitting in the remains of the kitchen, legs crossed, eyes up watching him carefully.

Itachi Uchiha.

Gai leapt back away from the door, his gaze dropping away from the Uchiha's face, those dangerous eyes, and his body instinctively slipping into a fighting stance.

He waited for a blow that never came. Itachi didnt so much as move a muscle.

"Might Gai...it's been a while."

His voice was deeper than what Gai remembered. He must have been 18 by now. If he'd been skilled enough to wipe out the whole Uchiha clan single handed at 13, Gai could only imagine how much more deadly Itachi would be now.

He needed to strike hard and fast if he had a hope of surviving, a hope of getting back to Kakashi. He had to get back to Kakashi.

Still carefully avoiding Itachi's eyes, Gai opened the first three gates and felt power, energy and strength rush through him.

Itachi didnt move. Didnt stand. Didnt even speak. Was he that sure of himself? That sure that he could stop Gai before Gai had a chance to cut him down?

It felt off. Gai scanned Itachi's body. Noted a rapid, pained breathing, dried blood on his clothes. Was he injured? Or was that the blood of the citizens of Konoha.

For Itachi to show up so soon after Pein's attack was too much of a coincidence to dismiss.

"Your not going to kill anyone else, Itachi. As the leaf's blue beast it's my duty to stop you here and now."

Still Itachi didnt move, "you're right."

Gai gathered himself, his courage, swearing that he wouldn't lose this fight. If anyone stood a chance here, to stop Itachi before he could sow more devastation, it was Gai.

Itachi's words registered late.

"Y-your not? Hey now what kind of trick is this? Stand up so I can fight you!"

Finally Itachi moved, but it was just to shift in his chair to find a more comfortable position.

"No."

Gai frowned. He didnt know what to make of this. Kakashi might have. Or Shikaku or Shikamaru. All he knew was that Itachi was one of the most wanted rogue ninja of the hidden leaf, a mass murderer.

It must be a trick. That was the only answer. Gai wouldn't fall for it. He raised his fist and started a charge.

He expected Itachi to move out of the way. Expected him to launch a counter attack. Expected him to do something. But as Gai rushed in Itachi just bowed his head. Seconds before he impacted, when it was clear Itachi really wouldn't raise a hand to defend himself, Gai changed the angle of his blow, instead connecting with the wall of the house and coming to a stop with his arms up to protect himself from falling debris.

Once the house settled again, Gai turned to face Itachi again.

This time he really looked at him. He hadn't been spared from the falling rubble. A fresh line of blood trickled down from a new gash on his temple. His head was still bowed, eyes closed. His skin was pale, his face sallow and gaunt. It was strange, so far removed from the bright young man he'd thought Itachi to be before-

"Why didn't you strike?"

"I wont harm an opponent who wont defend themself." It was one of his rules, something he would never compromise on.

"That didnt stop me." the words should have been intimidating, a stark reminder of what Itachi was capable of. But the way he said it caught Gai off guard. There wasnt any darkness in the words, just a blatant admission of fact.

"No. It didnt."

***

Itachi wasnt sure if he was trying to provoke Gai into launching another attack at him or if he was just tired of denying what had happened.

He'd heard someone moving rubble outside the house he had found to take shelter in. He'd assumed it was another root agent. Not that it mattered. He could hardly stand, much less run.

When Gai had pulled the rocks aside, Itachi had made his decision that this was where he stopped running. Of all the people who might have caught him, he was thankful it was Gai. He'd always held Gai in extremely high esteem and it was leaps and bounds from being taken down into Danzo's root headquarters deep beneath Konoha where he would likely never see daylight again.

"Why are you here, Itachi."

Itachi could hear the struggle in Gai's voice. A conflict in Gai between the desire to take down a dangerous enemy and whatever it was in him that had made him pull his strike.

"The roof fell in while I was sleeping." He knew it wasnt the answer that Gai was looking for, that Gai's question had nothing to do with why he was in this specific building, but Itachi was also honestly too tired to care. He pulled his knees to his chest and rested his forehead against them.

Silence. No footsteps, so he knew Gai hadn't moved.

"If you aren't sure about fighting me, then you can call the ANBU. They'll thank you for handing them such a high value target."

"An S ranked rogue shinobi." Gai said flatly.

Itachi nodded.

"A clan killer."

Itachi nodded again.

"A heartless, cold blooded murderer."

Itachi sat limply.

"Why are you here, Itachi."

Itachi sighed, "I'm tired. Are you going to attack me?"

"I told you, I wont fight someone who wont defend himself. Will you fight?"

Itachi breathed as deeply as the pain in his chest allowed.

"No. I'm done fighting. I've spilled too much blood and I wont spill any more."

Itachi heard a soft scraping of fabric and he opened his eyes a sliver. The green blurry shape was now sitting across from Itachi, his own legs crossed, facing Itachi.

"Why are you here?"

"Why do you care what my answer is? What will it change?"

Another beat of silence. But when Gai's answer did come, it surprised Itachi.

"Maybe nothing. But the Itachi I remember and the Itachi that sit before me do not strike me as the monster who slaughtered the Uchiha. Maybe you are that. But if you aren't, isnt it worth the chance that what you have to say might change something?"

This time it was Itachi's turn to let the silence linger.

He was done running. He was done fighting. It was time for Itachi to face his truth and let the rest of the world deal with him how they saw fit.

"It's a long story." Itachi warned.

"Then I suppose you ought to start."

***

When he was done, Itachi suggested that Gai blindfold him. He suggested Gai bind his hands and feet too, but Gai had refused, insisting that he believed Itachi, that he trusted Itachi. He agreed to the blindfold with the knowledge that it would prevent immediate action by the remaining uninjured jonin as Gai helped Itachi back to camp.

Gai hoisted Itachi, who was too weak to stand on his own power, and slung the young man's arm across his strong shoulder.

As soon as Gai was sighted there were shouts for a medic. Those shouts died as Gai and Itachi came closer and people began to recognize him past his loose hair hanging around his face and his eyes covered. A heavy silence fell over the camp at the center of the rebuilding process. Itachi didnt need to see to feel the massive amount of chakra around him and feel the stares of hundreds of Konoha ninja and civilians.

"Where is Lord Fifth?"

"Thats-"

"Where is Lord Fifth!" Gai roared at whoever had spoken.

"She's in the hospital tent. There was an incident."

"Danzo" Itachi mouthed the word. It was just like him to take advantage of a time of crisis in the village.

"Then find me Kakashi. Go."

Itachi let his mind tune out the mindless buzz of the camp as Gai directed someone to bring the Jonin together. His fate would be decided soon, based on the truth. The whole truth.

For better or worse, Itachi was home.

[sanhatation]

ri’s thicc 2017 reflection post !

its still quite a few hours away from 2018 for me but i just wanted to take this time to reflect on my absolutely Lovely 2017!!! yay time 2 get sappy as i word vomit and overshare about my year on tumblr.com !!!!

thank you loads to all of my LOVELY followers !!!!!!!!! yall are the cutest, make my day on the daily ! i wish you the best 2018 that the world can offer !!! stay healthy, take time for yourself, love yourself, love others, and be kind! 💓💓

this Riley Rant here, is gonna be here for me than anything. like a Fat journal entry !! and i am an Oversharer so here she goes [jeopardy music]

to begin, i have met and befriended so many amazing people on here this year and WOW!!!!!! lovely and supportive and talented, beautiful aroha friends??? it doesnt get better than that!!!!! i would attempt to tag all of u but yall know who u are ;)) im endlessly grateful to those of you who have really made being on here worth it. heck ya sometimes im like “why do i even spend time on here” but then!!!! idk sunny comes swingin in with just a heart full of love or sara comes swingin in with her eggs or marian comes swingin in with her rare pairs or j comes swingin in with her baking posts and thats not even HALF of it !!!!! seriously.....love you guys tons.

to my friends who i have had the pleasure of remaining your friend this year and getting closer to u !! i love you. i really dont know how yall handle me especially 2015/2016 me?? a MESS! yall are the REALEST. again, yall know who u are ;)) i hope we can continue to talk and have fun in 2018, i wish yall the best. 

and lastly....heres a THICC shoutout to my six shining stars. 

as for me as an individual, 2017 was a freaking Whack year. it was incredible....dare i say, iconic. and now its time for.....RILEY’S 2017 HIGHLIGHTS !!!!!! (also includes: the sucky parts bc even those allowed me to grow !)

- man, did 2017 start out pretty rough when my country decided it was a good idea to elect a freakin cheeto for president. however! i had the lovely opportunity to attend the women’s march at my capital the day before inauguration !! and it was powerful!!!! truly an experience ill treasure forever!

- binch....thank u Winter Dream for my whole life. tbh i wont forget sobbing at my best friend’s house when it dropped. thank u Miss Again Dance Practice. thank u Miss You & Me MV. thank u Miss Cotton Candy Choreography. thank u. 

- ah.....when some pinhead started that tr*mp chanting at a basketball game lol! so iconic that we made the new york times! gotta love that....

- OMG !!! HOW TO SUCCEED !!!! an absolutely amazing experience. granted, the male lead was a Snake, but i had a blast. Rosemary will forever be close to my heart and ill always cry a little when i hear Brotherhood of Man or Paris Original !! such an awesome opportunity. i learned a frick ton about myself as a performer. i improved a ton in acting and dancing, and also came to learn that i am very good at receiving instructions and memorizing lines quickly. i learned that i need to work on some of my facial expressions and i also learned some of my habits ! i miss u Queenie H2$ :’’)

- had my first tap dance performance ever??? i really enjoyed learning tap, and i hope to pick it back up in the future !!!!

- BIIIIIINCCH i had the opportunity to visit my sister in korea!!!!!!! wow.....truly the BEST week of my entire year, maybe even LIFE! i went to the dog cafe, the sheep cafe, mcountdown, the lunar festival kick off, gwanghwamun palace, dongdaemun, shopped a ton around hongdae, ate food by the han river, visited namsan tower (but not without getting lost), hit the noraebang TWICE, walked into a private Fantagio board meeting, ate delicious chicken on a STIIICK, ran in the rain, ordered delivery mcdonalds, had the BEST fried chicken, met a bunch of monks, was led around dongdaemun by a very old korean man, SAW EUNWOO AND DOYEON AND RECEIVED MUCH LOVE AND NEARLY DIED, hit the convenience store literally every day, snuck out, GOT A WAVE FROM KEY :((( , bought Winter Dream and lots of skin care products and lots of cute clothes, had the clearest skin ive ever had in my life, went to a buddhist temple, witnessed a drunk man fall into the splits inbetween the ground and the subway, ran up and down 1000 subway stairs, fell in love with a man named Peanut, drank too much banana and strawberry milk, sobbed my face off at the festival as korean grandmas bowed to me, tried tons of new foods (including the nastiest bowl of cheese ramyun ive ever had in my life), bought lots of socks, rode an airplane for......like 40 hours in total? literally the best week of my Life

- had my junior vocal recital ! it was a cute girl. i felt my acting had really improved since sophomore voice recital !! 

- had prom on my 17th birthday and had a jolly good time !!! my mom made my dress and i felt like a Stunner

- dream pt. 01...she rly is that Bad Bih. best era. miss her loads. none of us ever deserved her. 

- les mis !!!!!! two whole weeks.....another Best Time. i learned so much, made so many lifetime friends, had a blast, sang my heart out.....such a freaking good time. i miss her

- got to spend the ENTIRE summer with momo!!!!!!!!!!! literally the ENTIRE!!!!! and what did we do? hit the park, watched lemonade mouth and fantastic beasts and starstruck and that random unicorn movie, made the Best slime, made that ICONIC weki meki video, laughed a ton, cried a ton, stayed up all night for the sunrise, stayed later for the sunset & thunderstorm, walked home in the pouring rain & lightning (IT IS VERY WET), went to the beach, met many dogs, got me hairs cut, befriended that Cat, and went to a painting class

- cabin week !!!!!!!!!!! whatta lovely time

- my brother’s wedding !!!! honestly? my best outfit of the year... had a bangin time. his wife is truly a cutie and i love her tons!

- there was that Mess in august and i still feel sorry to those who felt hurt because of it. i learned a lot about how things especially on the internet can be easily misunderstood and misinterpreted, so u gotta be EXTRA careful with your words ! 

- through that i also came to accept that u cant get everyone to understand or like u, and tbh that is okay for now. all we can do when we make mistakes is try to understand & learn, apologize, and try to better ourselves. and sometimes even when u do that, u still may not be liked. and thats okay. as long as you are trying your best and recognize mistakes, its all good. 

-skinny dipped at girls time wow what a freaking TIME

- woah dude i dropped out of my arts school lmao!!! the BIGGEST change in my life since 2014.;..wow! i dont even have the words to say how much stress was lifted off of me and i love senior yr !!!!

- momo came to CT!!!!!! 

- seeing svt live !!!!! but tbh the best part was seeing momo, “I LOVE A MAN WHO CAN SEW”, “I!!!!!!!!!! LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JIHOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”, “IM UNDERAGE”, and when Mo BLASTED to that other line

- LAKE COMPOUNCE LMAOOOOO I LOVE JIHOON PT2!!!!

- my mom, sister, and i took an eight week painting class! i finished two paintings and learned a ton!! honestly a good time

- dream pt. 02.....shes that other Bad Bih....absolutely adore her

- i also learned that its okay to cut people off who are toxic. especially if you have already informed them that they make u feel bad, they are not worth trying to please or keep around. take care of yourself. similarly, its okay to block people, and you dont owe them an explanation

- MADI CAME HOME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my other half...missed her so much :(((

- riley’s calligraphy christmas !!!!! was so much fun and i loved people’s reactions and i loved learning arohas favorite astro lyrics !!!

- ah...............one of the hardest weeks of my whole life. the pain still lingers, and i know itll hit me again like a boulder the next time we see only four of my angels standing on stage. for four months, i was worried sick about another member, and i even knew he was hurting, that his mental illness was real. my heart aches and there is a piece of it missing, but it will never be replaced. i know you are much happier now, jjong. i love you. 

- and also because of that, i have been able to think a lot about how i live my life. thoughts like ‘am i watching out for my family and friends enough?’ ‘am i listening enough?’ ‘is this funny comment worth it?’ ‘am i happy?’ im trying to be better. to not take things for granted, to only be kind, to always be there for those i love, for those who love me. and i will try my hardest to not complain about small or petty inconveniences. to try harder to be optimistic. 

- christmas was with my whole family for the first time in five years ;;; she was such a cute girl!

and now on to the next act !!!! its called RILEY’S NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS !!!!!!!!!! 

1. lets start with the basic stuff that im 99% not gonna pull through on: keep ur room clean. keep everywhere u go clean, it makes mom upset. eat better, u know there is other foods in this house besides peanut butter and pepperoni and popcorn. 

2. send out at least one Lovely Ask per day. i made this goal sometime over the summer, and i did it for a few months until i started to forget ;; its not that hard, u just gotta remember to do it !! 

3. sis.....quit Procrastinating.......GET ur FREAKING application done...do ur homework the night before lmao! call who u need to !!! write those thank u cards!!!! go get them scholarships!!!! enter that graphic design contest lmao!!! just DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! time is wasting

4. just be happy 

[yeoldontknow]

Mourning Air

Author’s Note: oh no, i’ve made myself very sad. can someone please request jongin fluff so i can feel better holy **title taken from the Portishead song of the same name

Pairing: Kai x Reader (oc; female) (although the gender is kind of ambiguous so you can take it as you wish)

Warnings: heavy angst; swearing; references to cheating

Word count: 1,879

When you look at Jongin, all at once, you are twenty three. 

You are looking at Jongin, and you are twenty three. It’s September, you’re twenty three, and the air is crisp with possibility. In front of you, the future expands and stretches like a safety net. You’re not scared to be reckless, you’re not scared to make mistakes because his fingers are entwined with yours and he’s laughing. He’s laughing, and it sounds like music, like the very noise itself could save you. He’s laughing and you count every single choice you made that got you here, to this sound, and you kiss them all. You’re thankful. You’re happy. The boy of bronze and gold has decided that he loves you.

You’re twenty three and you’re looking at Jongin.

You’re twenty three, it is September, and you’re looking at Jongin.

You’re twenty six, it is October, and Jongin is kissing another woman with the full length of his tongue. He’s kissing her the way he’s reserved for you.

You’re looking at Jongin, you’re twenty seven, and it is raining.

He’s standing in the middle of your living room, looking lost and nervous, and he’s drowning in the green hoodie you love so much. It’s old now, older than you remember it being, worn and fraying at the sleeves, but it’s still perfect. 

He’s still perfect.

Neither of you wants to speak, not yet. No, that’s not true. You’re being devoured by all the things you need to say but can’t release into the atmosphere because they will crush you. The last six months have been filled with nothing but questions, some you’ve yelled at walls, others you’ve swallowed down with a bottle of vodka and a fit of tears. But now, with him in standing front of you, sad and soft, your voice has abandoned you. It’s vanished at the sight and smell of him, and you’ve suddenly never felt more alone.

‘Thanks for letting me in,’ he whispers, eyes everywhere but yours.

You simply nod.

His gaze falls on the doorway to the bedroom and his polite smile crumples. From where he’s standing, you know exactly what he sees. Part of you thinks you left the door open subconsciously, that you wanted him to see it, that you needed him to see it.

This is your war. Silent and subtle, and absolutely lethal. 

Last week, you decided to heal. Today, he wants back in. And you refuse him.

‘You’re redoing the bedroom?’ 

Something has died in his voice and, while you sense your seams starting to come apart at the sound, you feel slightly, bitterly victorious.

‘I have to,’ you cough.

‘I thought you loved the grey.’

‘You picked it out.’

‘Yeah, but you were so excited about it.’

He hasn’t torn his eyes away from the room, from the sea foam green eating its way up the walls like algae. You’re glad for it, hoping he takes it all in. You’re erasing him, smothering the remains of him with new pieces of yourself, like a skin graft. 

But he’s focused so intensely on the room, he’s missed the point altogether.

‘You picked it out,’ you repeat, and this time you are sure he gets it. 

The meaning glazes over him and you watch his shoulders slump. He’s crestfallen and finally getting it, and when he looks at you once again, you think the sun has gone from the earth forever.

This is what you wanted, for months. You’ve imagined this day in and day out since you started seeing his hands on someone else’s waist, but all you have anymore is longing. He’s right in front of you, and in all of your fantasies he never looked this sad. If you’re being honest, you don’t think you’d ever seen this expression on his face - even when you were screaming at him, even when you were sobbing at him to leave, he still looked at least like he would survive.

This is eviscerating him.

This is eviscerating you, but at least you had time to prepare. 

He takes one cautionary step towards you, but you step back in equal measures and you release a shuddering moan. There’s a betrayal growing in your bones, spreading into your muscles and ignoring your mind and all logical reason. You know you should hate him, you actually do, but your body wants to nestle itself into the fabric of that hoodie, wants to smell and taste and touch all the things it once called mine.

You’re looking at Jongin and he is nothing but nostalgia.

‘I don’t know what to say,’ he sighs.

‘There’s really nothing to say.’ You’re quiet and you’re dry as you speak, afraid that too many words will give all your emotions away.

He raises his eyebrows high and laughs, a cold, empty laugh. ‘Are you kidding? I have so much I want to explain to you.’

‘I don’t want any of it, Jongin. You made everything explicitly clear.’

‘I got comfortable in love,’ he admits in a rush, ignoring you as he was so wont to do. ‘I got comfortable and I didn’t see how -’ 

‘How what?’ you scoff. ‘Isn’t comfortable supposed to be a good thing? Aren’t you supposed to feel like it’s easy and safe?’

‘Yes,’ he concedes, ‘but that’s not what I’m saying.’

Now it’s your turn to raise your eyebrows in disbelief. ‘Then what are you saying? That I was boring?’ 

‘No, I don’t know, maybe. But it wasn’t about you, not really, I took you -’ 

You don’t want to hear that he took you for granted because you already knew that he did. You don’t want to hear that he took you for granted because you knew that you let him. You let him take and take and take from you because you thought that was what he needed to stay. You let him take from you until you had nothing left of yourself to give.

‘I let you pull me apart, Jongin!’ you shout. ‘I turned myself into someone who could compromise for you. For years, I pulled out the pieces of me I thought you wouldn’t like - so I could be better for you.’

‘And you think I didn’t do the same?’ he says, returning your volume.

You cross your arms over your chest, protecting yourself from the echo. ‘You couldn’t have. If you did, you wouldn’t have been able to walk away.’

‘I walked away because I didn’t recognize me anymore! I walked away for us both.’

Jongin was many things for you, many beautiful, exquisite, gentle things, but even when he broke you, even when he burned away every fond memory you had until there was nothing left but a comical, chaotic villain you never took him for a liar. And this, this statement, makes you cackle in a surprise that borders on sinister.

‘You really think that’s what you did?’ you sneer. ‘Let me tell you what you did. You took pieces of me, Jongin, tiny pieces that were so small I didn’t even notice I was letting you have them, until all I had was you. And then you left. You destroyed me.’

Momentarily, he looks like he could cry. His eyes are shining, glistening with something you think could be grief but is more likely regret, and you think you could cry too. You could cry, but you won’t. You’ve let him make you into so many different things over the years and you’ve finally learned how to make yourself once more. 

‘I did that to me too,’ he says, biting his lip.

You want to kiss him. You want to kiss him until you’re both bleeding from the force of it. You want to kiss him until you don’t know where your lips end and his begin. 

You want to kiss him, but instead you cut at him with your words. You cut him with the truth.

‘No,’ you declare, loudly. ‘No, because you still won in some way. You were still whole. I had nothing from you, but you had all of me and you fucking obliterated it. Are you satisfied with the mess you’ve created out of me?’ 

‘I know I didn’t deserve you -’

‘You didn’t.’

‘But I loved you. I still love you.’

It sounds exactly the way he used to say it, and you know he means it. Really, you know he thinks he means it. But the problem is that it sounds the same, not new or different or better, it sounds exactly as you remember it and it absolutely breaks your heart.

It sounds the same, and that’s why you don’t believe it even if he thinks it’s true. 

‘Those are just empty words to me. I can’t trust you anymore, Jongin.’ Your voice is wavering now, starting to collapse under all the pressure of love lost and love found once more, and you need to get him out so you can cry in peace. ‘I can never trust you again.’

‘Let me try and fix it, then!’ he exclaims, stepping towards you. ‘We had something great -’

Squeezing your eyes shut, you step back enough so you can stop your arms from reaching for him. You open your eyes and you settle your face into something that you think can mask all the pain. You hope it looks like anger.

‘What we had was more than that!’ you hiss. ‘I was ready to marry you, Jongin! I was fucking waiting for it, and you spent, how long, two months with another woman?’ 

‘Look, I didn’t come here for us both to feel like shit -’

‘You hurt me!’ you scream, alarming both him and yourself. ‘You hurt me and you deserve to feel like shit.’

When you found him at the door, he looked optimistic. When you let him stand in your doorway, he looked anxious. Now, in the wake of your words, he looks utterly defeated. Now, he finally agrees - there is nothing to say at all.

‘I think you should go,’ you whisper, biting your cheeks to redirect all the pain in your heart.

All he does is nod and walk quietly to the door. You don’t bother to watch him as he goes, and you only know he’s gone when you finally hear the click of the door.

You have one last memory of him, one last memory that he’s finally able to burn away from you.

‘Come on!’ he says, coyly tapping your nose and giving you a million dollar smile. ‘Go on a date with me. What’s there to lose?’ 

When you’re standing beneath the sun, in its arms and inches from its lips, it’s hard not to smile too. So you do and you agree, and you are blinded by a love for him. You feel all your insides flutter at the sight, his head cocked back and a gleeful laugh turning his mouth into a perfect circle. You want to share this moment with him, want to dance freely with him, and jump, and play, and revel in the joy of it. 

But he asked you what there was to lose and you’re scared you already know the answer.

What is there to lose?

You, you think. Just you.

[maineblogpost]

Adulting wid mee <3

Random thoughts...

To whoever can read this, its a long post... Its been a while since I haven't written anything here in my blog. I've always love to write down about my feelings and emotions. It's like a relief, to be able to express yourself aside from speaking. I write not because to gain likes from people but to share something that I've learned from my experience. People would have mistaken me from 'fierce look' or from being suplada but know that I'm the kindest, sweet, and gentle person you'll ever know. Haha. BUT wait! Know also that I'm like a shell. Eager to come out and reveal myself but once I do I appreciate you. Lucky you! Lol. Hard as a rock once I've been used and abused. I will literally explode once I'm really pissed off or my patience can't contain any longer. I respect people but if you show how to disrespect me I really don't know what could I say or do, it would be in that moment. Okay, enough of self-praising and self-expressing. Maybe it's just about my look that might be intimidating but if you talk with me or engage a conversation with me you'll discover a lot about me. That is the 'go to person-to hang out with'. I'm just being honest about my opinions towards people that I've met along the way. I've always like to observe people around me whether they're real or fake with me. Either way, you are with me, it doesn't really bother me. Im was very specific or particular with choosing people. I like them being honest, doesn't stab me back, optimistic - surrounding yourself with people who are goofballs are priceless, trust me! That doesn't drain you mentally and emotionally. To whoever enjoys and wants to destroy the reputation or image of people, good luck to your soul and life of the next 5-10 years. It would be awful. Trust me. I'm so done with that kind of people. It doesn't feel so alive. I'm like a dead person inside. Empty, plain and barren life. There is no meaning. - There's more time for people to change but it takes grit. So lets moved on with that.

Heres a letter for someone who is going through tough battles. For the broken ones. For the sincere ones.

If ever you have loved someone and you were broken. You were fooled and played around. You know to your heart and you had clear conscience you havent done anything wrong. Youve fight out your feelings. Even when their will be temptations all around you. You seek advice and find comfort from people, your close friends and family not with a fuck buddy. I wanted to be really blunt here. Believe me those things are temporary. You will never be fulfilled and happy in the long run. You have to really think straight on what youre doing. You have to cut off with those fantasies, but rather facing realities. Because in the end you will know that you will hurt someone. That memory and pain will be forever with you. You have to remain strong. Being strong means you have to be vulnerable during your weakest days. Let the tears flow and heartaches go. Let it all out. They say that time heals all wounds. Youve learned a lot. Youve gained wisdom. You become wiser and stronger. You wont allow yourself to degrade one more time. To lower your standards just to please people, because you know to yourself you are not that. Out of all sinful people you were chosen to endure this maybe theres a reason from all of this. Maybe because youll know next time what to choose. Maybe you deserve better. Maybe God sees we are really never the wrong ones. If by chance youll meet the right one. Someone who will truly care for you. In order to find it, youll have to explore. Go out- meet new people and new places. It takes time and effort. Be wise on choosing one. You have to know the person very well. It would be really rare to find nowadays. You have to make sure about your feelings toward someone else. Determine if its only infatuation or real love. You know nowadays its just easy as a snap. Real and hard love isnt easy to find, its not an easy road. Its full of ups and downs and doesnt comes with easy steps. But its worth it in the end.

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 63 - PHI - Brandon Montour

The Flyers tonight are a really tough pill to swallow. Ugly mascots that end up changing the game aside, overly optimistic Sabres fans such as myself have been looking up in the standings at who these guys can catch, rather frustratingly so as of late. With a Flyers win tonight they surprise the Sabres from behind and hop ahead of them in the standings. Can you imagine that violent, orange cookie monster impersonator surprising you from behind? Want to hear another surprise from behind, no this isn’t a sex joke: Marco Scandella paired with Brandon Montour. OH VETERAN, MY VETERAN! WHATSOEVER WOULD COACH HOUSLEY DO WITHOUT YOU! Housley’s prioritization of veteran minutes is going to be a whole paragraph in the Season Retrospective isn’t it? Yea, THE SEASON RETROSPECTIVE THAT WILL HAPPEN IN APRIL IF HE CAN’T PROPERLY UTILIZE THIS ROSTER! Ok, stop, Andrew. Optimism; remember the optimism with which you started this blog. Ugh, what different days those were. Speaking of not making the playoffs, let’s talk trash about the last team the Sabres played in the playoffs! Philadelphia, the past of this match up it that old ballad about working class cities just smashing their blue-collar lunch pals at each other as hard as possible. The world and the NHL has changed and now a playoff matchup between these two teams looks more like it would be a speed-skill bonanza then any kind of grit-for-grit hockey men party. The Sabres are building something new while the Flyers are copying the Penguins model: yeah, I said Penguins! Sabretooth wasn’t wearing pants when Gritty wasn’t even a sparkle in Jakub Voracek’s eye yet! 2011’s rematch is a going to go for the Sabres in 6, you sloppy copycats. That was fun; too bad it’s going to make this next part harder. This was the night the playoffs died. But no, you’re New Look Sabres, you preach taking a New Look at this team time and time again! How can you say its over!? Well, eight points with twenty games left will do that to you. Luckily, we’re not focusing on that tonight.

New Flyer Ryan Hartman set the tone of this game leveling Rasmus Dahlin along the boards early. Zach Bogosian and the old-time hockey alliance came crashing in like you know and instigator penalty, other penalty, whatever-whatever it panned out to nothing. Want to know why contemporary hockey fans don’t give a shit about keeping fighting in the game old boys club? It doesn’t help. At best it gives your team a moderate morale boost at worst it chops years off dudes’ lives. Whatever, it didn’t help the Sabres win this game. If the Sabres weren’t outshot each period they were certainly outplayed. By eight minutes in the Flyers were already up 2-0 on the backs of Oskar Lindblom and Jakub Voracek. Let’s get something out of the way: this loss wasn’t because of Carter Hutton. He was left out to dry and when we look back on this season their will be poetry in that. More and more every year this club is Jack Eichel and friends. Our favorite Patriots fan put this team on his back and made us believe again like Tom Brady! Ok, that was gross to write. I’m sorry you had to read that. I’m going to collect myself now. Jack Eichel did get the puck from Skinner and did toe drag a fucking bullet in there, but the period ended 2-1 and even the grossly optimistic types like me still kind of felt this crap wasn’t going to get much better. Like the cold, cruel march of time closer to death the Sabres would get scored on once they began to give us hope. 15 minutes into the second period James van Riemsdyk redirects a puck in front and gets the orange boys up 3-1. What is that? This is one of those game Casey Mittelstadt flashes the kind of brilliance we’ll get from him on the regular in a year and a half or so? Awesome, New Sabre Brandon Montour gets the play going in the defensive zone that would eventually end in Casey Mittelstadt tapping in a goal via Evan Rodrigues and Conor Sheary. 3-2 Flyers would be the high-water mark of this game for the Sabres as the only positive highlight of the third period would be Travis Sandheim doing his Sabres ten game winning streak impression and crashing the net less then a minute in to get the Flyers their two-goal lead back. Whatever whatever, Claude Giroux, whatever whatever, can you believe they eliminated Caelynn on the Bachelor, whatever whatever; Sabres lose 5-2 in regulation and give up another spot in the standings falling to a full eight points back. The Panthers might still win their game at the posting of this and they can hop over the Blue and Gold too because irony has no bounds in the season of the ten-game winning streak that saw no playoffs.

So yes, it’s not over until the fat lady sings. There is a ridiculous scenario where the Sabres win 65-75% of their remaining games to sneak into the playoffs. As I began saying last night, start cushioning the blow now, fam. Enjoy what’s left of the ride but start thinking about what’s for dinner. I’m letting my soccer side out starting now. Hell, I just posted on my politics blog for the first time in like a month. Let loose, Spring is officially 21 days away even if playoffs aren’t. However, this is not how I’m ending the blog today. No sir: we have a new player to celebrate. Brandon Montour had about as decent a game as you can have in a loosing effort on the road when your new coach insists on putting you with a negative player that is really only in because he’s been in the league for a while. I mentioned Montour being the catalyst of the Mittelstadt goal play earlier, but Montour made some good moves in this game. He broke up a lot of opposition passes in the defensive zone, more than you expected before with this Sabres defense. For all you suburban hockey dads he also laid out a decent hit or two in the third period that feels right in a game against the Flyers. He made his mistakes too, struggling in the offensive zone shortly before the JVR goal. Nonetheless Montour is a clear addition to this team and if shit ever gets better here for a Sabres fan I have a feeling #62 will be a part of it. This one just hurt, and I very much look forward to turning my attention to the Rochester Americans for tomorrow’s Amerks Angle update. I’ll be discussing banners in that one so if you need a palette cleanser check back tomorrow.

In fact, cross-promotion city here because how long can we talk about this dreadful team, if you got an eye for Soccer, I have a whole soccer blog at Rochester Rhinos Outsider if you want to check in on that. I also have a politics blog but let’s keep it in the sports family for right now. Right now: I just want you to like, share and drop a comment on this post. Let’s commiserate together because now, with the deadline past this is the bed we’re sleeping in from now until April 6th, fam. I’d love to hear from you. If you’ve read this far you probably won’t mind a conversation with me either. Reply or @ me on twitter or DM on twitter or Tumblr. If you’re only on this blog because I posted that neat little graph last night, stick around, there’s another one of those coming Saturday! No matter what you’re here for, it’s the Sabres that brought us all together and no matter how ass they maybe they can’t take that from us! Let’s Go Buffalo!

Thanks for reading.

P.S. In all the busy-ness of the last few days I forgot to mention Kyle Okposo is back already. Evidently his concussion was only slightly worse than Jeff Skinner’s ankle injury and he’s already back! I like to think fan support helped that along.

[multimonk]

Project M.O.N.K, Audio logs of one DR.Vee(Super duper background for Monk story)

Under the cut due to length!

Day 1, Orientation. “So day one... What is there to say? The on-site doctor/therapist says I should keep these audio logs for my own wellbeing, while locked away in this compound... I see no harm I suppose, gives me a break from work.”

-Low sigh-

“The facilities are alright to start with, with more equipment promised if specimens and experiments on said specimens give promising results. Whoever is paying for this better understand all my ‘scientist mumbo jumbo’ on my reports, unlike the meatheads they replaced half my staff with. If their intention is to spy on my work to make sure I keep working hard, they are not being very subtle.”

-

Day 10, Preparations. “We’ve finally set up everything we need. The chemicals are working as expected and the first few samples of what we’re working towards have started to grow. It’s not exactly what I’d call a fetus, but it’s a start... We have to make sure all the clashing DNA ‘sticks together’ as one of the morons put it.”

“Side note, order MUCH more coffee and painkillers in the next shipment.”

-

Day 58, First failure. “Well, I didn’t expect the first few months to go as smoothly as they did without SOME setbacks. Half of the specimens died, and the remaining half... Well, they show promise, but their genetic structure is somewhat weaker. They want tough skin and some other, dare I say, impossible features... So, that wont do.”

The good doctor has been kind enough to listen to my worries so I wont stress myself out by repeating them here, but... He did tell me to talk about my children. It seems to give me some strength. I do miss little Jess and Nate... I hope they are eating right. Knowing mom, probably not.” -Chuckle-

-

Day 72, Success? “I will avoid false optimism, but more and more samples are surviving. Some even formed a limb or two. We may have a real living creature within two years at this rate!”

“Putting that aside, some of the meatheads aren’t that bad now that they’ve forgotten about their mission to ‘guard me’. Aki, Henry and Neni are actually pretty nice people... Makes living in a damn cube in the middle of a jungle bearable at least.”

-Groaning-

“Why can’t secret bases ever be on a beach, or some other nice location?”

-

Day 100, Party. “I refused, initially. Wasting time to celebrate with whiskey and swing music every 100 days, who does that in a scientific research facility? Bbuuuuuut I will admit, once I got to the swing of things(Pun not entirely intended), it was nice to let loose and just have some fun. I might have drunk a bit too much though...”

-Light snoring-

-

Day 198, SUCCESS! “REAL success! We have our first real babies! Granted half of them have died and that’s taken a toll on many of the people in my team. I TOLD them not to name the blasted monsters. Getting attached to something that only wears a human face is not a good idea and if I might add, highly unprofessional.”

-Loud sigh-

“Alright... I don’t really record these as often as I did in the beginning, but looks like I’ll have even less time soon. If we can get even one live... Thing, we can start testing to see if they can be trained, imprinted or... Well, this is HIGHLY optimistic, but I like to think we could teach them during the 5 years it ‘should’ take for them to mature.”

“Optimism. Baad baaaad optimism.”

-

Day 200 “HUNGOVER. That is all.”

-

Day 300, Sparta “That joke has been made to death by someone who saw a stupid, unrealistic movie once. If I get one more email with that video...” “I am not allowed to talk about too much detail in the audio logs, but I will say this to keep it in mind. The specimens with more unsteady structure seem to survive better than those with the big, bulky ones our employer wants. I-”

-You got mail-

-Loud blaring of a remix of “This is Sparta”-

“Kill. Me.”

-

Day 487, Finally! “My intuition was right! We managed to make a few specimens survive outside their containment tanks with alterations to... Well, anyway. The staff insisted on naming them Don and Monk. Take a damn guess which one that dumbass Rico named? Monk, right. Well, at least the thing will remember which project gave it life... If it lives past a week.”

-

Day 496, no title ideas “Don and Monk have taken their first steps. Don walks on two quite fine, but Monk has some form of deformation in its… His, knees and back, I need to look into it.”

-

Day 500, No party “Don died. Funnily enough, not because of any error on our part... While physically more capable, Don was unfortunately as dumb as a toddler and making no progress, so he tried to eat a knife, despite the bleeding and pain... I assume, can they feel pain?”

-Door opens suddenly-

-Male voice- “DR.Vee, come quick! The other one is sick or something!” “WHAT??”

-

Day 520, Worst is over. “Monk is still alive. Weird enough, he’s not so much deformed as he is... Strange in structure. He’s missing some ribs, but he has so many more vertebra in his neck and back than a human. ALL functional! I still can’t fathom how he lives, but... He has no trouble moving on all fours, he eats... BOY does he eat!”

“Called Jessica and Nathan today, introduced them to my team. They’re already in junior high... I missed them graduating elementary. Mother of the year award goes to... Someone else.”

-

Day 523 “Monk got his horns stuck in a wall and continued to whine loudly about it for ten minutes. We took pictures and video, for... Science.”

-

Day 565, Baby steps “I’ve put away all the training they wanted me to teach him. I need to treat him like the child he is until we can figure out how to imprint information and training directly onto the brains of the specimens. Speaking of, we have been unable to make new ones that live past the month. We keep them separate from Monk of course. He still keeps looking for Don... It’s sad to watch.”

-

Day 600 “Monk joined the party today! Well, the start of the party. We gave him some cake and let him curl up to watch us drink and be merry. He’s still too small to actually take part in anything more active than eating and wobbling around, but maybe one day.”

-

Day 1000, sorry. “God, it’s been.. Jeesh. So long since I’ve made the last one huh? Okay, so, summary. Monk is doing well. He is reaching what I would call the age of 9 or so. These things grow fast, but I have no idea how long he will actually live. Will he stop aging at the point we hoped? We’ll see.”

“Anyway.”

“I’ve been teaching him to speak and well... Unsurprisingly, ‘food’ ‘treat’, his own name and ‘hello’ in various different forms have stuck the most. I also gave him some crayons to practice his motor skills a bit... Thank god our purpose is not to create the ultimate artist, unless someone really likes stick figures.”

-

Day 1050, more progress “Another growth spurt, he’s maybe 15 ish now? He’s in a bit of pain from growing so fast, but we give him painkillers to he can sleep at least. He’s started to call me ‘mum’. It’s not what you think! I tried to get him to address me as ‘ma’am’, but apparently that is too hard for him to say.”

“Whatever.”

“It’s fine.”

“... Wonder how Jess and Nate are doing.”

-

Day 1068-1090, Annoying “CONSTANT threats for more progress or less funds, really. I know we’ve made great strides in the past two-three years, I mean, we DID create LIFE in the first year! But now the big hats upstairs have gotten used to the fast pace and want more, the greedy MOTHERFU-Mmhhh... Okay.”

-Deep breath in-

-Loud sigh-

“Monk has a good personality, very obedient when he likes you, but he has entered a rebellious phase... Teenagers right?”

“Not like I’d know, I didn’t get to see my kids turn from kids to pre-teens.”

“What employer doesn’t give vacation days?? Regardless, the sooner we duplicate the success with Monk, the better. Though...” “Well, this is just a thought, but what if instead of an army, we just create an entirely new species? Creator of an entire species of people, wouldn’t that be the same as being a god?”

“Or a really, REALLY productive mother.”

“...”

“Okay ew, horrible mental image.”

-

Day 1329, Troublesome thoughts “I can’t keep the thought out of my head. What if I just recreate Monk EXACTLY and just change the gender, and then repeat the process a few thousand times? I could... Hm.”

-

Last log, partially corrupted -Hasty footsteps and sounds of many doors being opened on the way-

“MONK!”

“Shhh darling, I know that’s your name, and I know you like telling me, but you have to be quiet now okay?”

-Whispered- “Monk.”

“Haa haa, clever.”

-Happy squeaking-

“I’ve decided to take Monk and just... Go. There’s no future for him here. They called, said my funding is officially over and they will ‘get rid’ of all evidence. That’s a fine word for killing all my specimens and Monk...! Those bastards will not touch him. I’m taking him, starting my own lab and continuing my work elsewhere! I’ll show them, I can do this. I can start an entirely new species, I can-”

-Sounds of gunfire and explosions-

“OH SHI-” -Explosion-

“Dr.Vee? That wouldn’t be my investment you’re running off with would it? “You’re...? Never mind, I don’t care. If I stop here, all my work will be for nothing! Just let me continue my work, or get out of my way!”

“I am afraid we can’t do that Dr.Vee. You see... When I said I am getting rid of all the evidence, I did of course mean you as well.”

“You-” -Shocked gasp, sound of gun being loaded-

“However, I would like that thing back. As a live specimen, it is VERY valuable for continued perfection of your work, without your failures... Namely yourself and your sentimentality.”

“Over my dead body you asshole!” “... Aight sure, why not?” -Sudden explosion, sounds of wildlife outside and the sound of scuttling bare feet on the floor-

“Monk no! You don’t know what’s out there, you won’t survive without me! MONK! MONK LISTEN TO ME, COME BACK, MO-”

-End of recording-

[silentlythought]

I apparently caused my mom to be concerned for me. I think it is the thing I posted on Facebook. 

“Shit be bad sometimes and thoughts be loud. Things change but fear remains, maybe things wont change or maybe things wont get better. Sometimes, it is hard to be optimistic. Life goes on and the cycle repeats.”

I was just kinda thinking, and came out of a huge ass slump that had hit me the previous day. I realized I am kind of trapped in my job. I can’t go anywhere really and I can’t. I want so much more than I have. I am selfish for wanting so much. I can’t even hold a job for longer than a year, how the fuck am I going to teach? 

How am I going to finish college to get to teach? I need money for that, but also I need money for food, for doctors. I need so many other things, but I just want.

I want to be a chemistry teacher. I want to live in a decent house with two extra bedrooms. I want to adopt a child, one who is older and give them a family. I want to take them shopping for clothes when they first arrive home, and for paint to make the room theirs. I want to give other kids hope. I want to be open about myself so that kids might see the representation they don’t often get. I want to give them hope that things get better.

But can I really do that when I am afraid that things will not get better? When I am convinced that these things will never happen? That I will never amount to anything more than a fucking cashier. And I am not talking down on cashiers, most of them have such a hard job. I just want something different for my life.